


Where The Grief Goes

by ACR



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Coma, Depression, F/M, M/M, Multi, POV Ronan Lynch, Post-Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-21 03:24:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10676703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ACR/pseuds/ACR
Summary: Gansey is a sleeping thing. Adam is a half-soul. Ronan is somehow the least traumatized person here, and he found his mothers corpse less than two days ago.-Ronan POV. Directly after Raven King/Pre-Raven King Epilogue. Aftermath story. Lots of angst and depression. Reference to past (obviously) Ronan/Kavinsky.





	1. Forest Fire

When Blue told Gansey to wake up, he did not open his eyes and begin living his extravagant life again immediately, like you might expect.

Instead, his mouth slid open, and it took them a few tense quarter-seconds to realize that he was breathing. Blue gripped him in her arms and cried out in a voice that was barely her own;

"He's alive! He's breathing! Oh my god- We need to take him to the hospital. We need to go."

Ronan understood. He had felt the magic rush as much as anyone. He felt the tingling vines of Cabeswater shudder when they asked it to give itself up for the life of their friend, their leader. It was a dream thing, and Ronan felt it the moment it disappeared. Like a piece of him went with it. He briefly wondered if he would feel it if any of his dream things died away. His heart wrenched when it happened, his stomach dropped. Like going off a roller coaster. But Cabeswater had been barely living when it finally pushed its life force into Gansey, and they all understood that there probably was that same half-life in Gansey now.

Henry Cheng rushed to Blue's side, very gently pulling Gansey from her steely grip. She looked at him with inhuman eyes before she understood and released him. Henry picked Gansey up, not with ease, but he did it. He struggled to stand while Blue rushed to the car. Ronan watched like he was out of his body. He should have picked up Gansey, he realized. What was holding him back? He was too out of it. He realized with immense struggle that he, too, had been close to death in the last five minutes. He touched his nose, and pulled away to black liquid still coating his face.

He looked around and realized Adam was on the ground. Had he been on the ground the whole time? Ronan was struggling to string together what was happening. He knelt down to Adam.

"Come on, Parrish," he muttered, "We need to go to the hospital."

Adam nodded but didn't meet his eyes. They stood up together and went to the car.

–

Henry and Blue stayed with Gansey all night. Ronan decided against it.

In his heart he knew Gansey was okay. Comatose, maybe, but something told him it was going to be fine, probably. More than anything, his heart told him that he couldn't do anything for Gansey now. If Gansey pulled through, that would have to be all him. Blue sat in the waiting room, a broken and scared look on her face. Henry Cheng paced anxiously around the room and kept stopping to open his mouth, like he wanted to say something. He clearly thought better of it, though, and would shut it every time to continue pacing.

When Ronan finally gathered his bearings, he pulled out his barely-used phone and dialed multiple numbers. First, he called Gansey's sister, only because he didn't have his parents numbers. He told Helen that Gansey was in the hospital. She started to cry over the phone, asked him if this was something to do with Glendower. He told her yes. Then he told her it was over now.

Next he called Maura; a number he had to get off Blue's phone after he pried it from her hands. He told Maura the same things, and told her that Blue would probably need her here. It was a briefer, less emotional phone call. Maura was matter-of-fact, a woman of action. She seemed worried and stressed, but understood that there was no point crying to Ronan about it.

Lastly he called Declan, and couldn't remember the last time he called Declan of his own free will. But it was the briefest call so far.

"Ronan." His brother answered calmly. But he could hear the anticipation in his voice.

"It's over." Ronan replied.

"Gansey?"

"Alive. Barely." Ronan glanced at Blue to see if she had heard him, “He'll pull through.”

Declan was quiet, "I am sorry."

Ronan looked at the white hospital walls in the dim lighting, "Matthew?"

“He's fine. It was... scary. I just knew you had to be going through something similar, miles away. Black blood?”

“Yeah.”

“He's fine now. Sleeping,” Declan hesitated, “Listen, about Henrietta. I don't know what happened but no one wants anything that could come from there ever again. The Greywaren business- Dad's business, it's done.”

“Good.” Ronan said, truly relieved.

They hung up. Ronan returned to Blue and handed her back her phone while he put his own away.

"I'm going to leave," Ronan stated simply. Blue looked sharply up at him, "Gansey's parents are coming and I don't think its wise if I'm covered in black ooze when they get here. They're gonna have a lot of questions, but I need you to let Gansey answer them when he wakes up, okay?"

Blue just looked at him like he was speaking a foreign language for a second, before finally nodding. She looked across the waiting room and pointed, "Will you take him with you? I think he's at his limit. I'm not sure I want them to see him like that. At least Henry and I can compose ourselves."

Ronan looked at Adam. The way Ronan looked on the outside, Adam looked like he was experiencing it on the inside. He had said approximately zero words since Gansey had come back to life. He was sitting on the chair, looking down at his hands, unblinking, his face impossible to read. Ronan looked back at Blue and nodded. Part of him wanted to extend some kind of understanding, some kind of comfort, to her. A hug, maybe. But firstly, Ronan wasn't really a hugger. And secondly, he was really covered in now-dried black ooze, and he suspected it might be the grossest hug of all time.

He walked over to Adam and kicked at his shoe, causing Adam to finally look up at him.

"Come on," he said gently, "We are gonna leave. Gansey's parents are coming, and I think we shouldn't be here when they do. Blue will let us know if there's any changes."

Ronan expected an argument from Adam but didn't get one. Adam stood up and gathered his arms around himself, silently following Ronan out to the car.

–

At The Barns, Ronan took the longest shower of his life.

Even when the black, blood-like ooze was clear from his hands and face, he felt like he would never be clean again. His mind drifted over the car, of the feelings of being unmade, of knowing Matthew was being unmade too. He saw Gansey's lifeless body. He saw his fathers body, then his mothers.

He had now seen both of his parents brutalized corpses. He held himself close. In the hot beating of the water, he still shivered. 

A lot had happened in the past 24 hours. He had almost made Declan truly the last Lynch alive.

Still, relief stretched over him. It was like he had been tensing his muscles for years and now he could finally unclench them. It was over. No more Cabeswater, no more Glendower. No more looming demons and dark magic. Was Ronan still even a Greywaren? Did he create Cabeswater, or did Cabeswater create him so he could give it a physical form? Now that the magic of the ley line flowed freely away from this place, would he even still have this power?

He had no idea. Part of him hoped it would be gone. It was a weird feeling to have. This power had his father murdered, had ruined all their lives, in a way.

Ronan realized he was glad Cabeswater was gone.

When the water finally began to get cold, Ronan turned it off. He dried himself off, an easy feat when you had no hair, and approached the mirror. His own tired face looked back at him, bagged eyes and torn skin. He touched the scratches on his face and forearms, and then the marks around his neck, and realized that they were slowly bruising badly. His eyes flashed to Adam choking him, possibly the least traumatizing thing to happen in the past 24 hours, and still it was a scary image.

Ronan couldn't believe how ready he was to die right then.

Die or hurt Adam, not a choice at all.

Ronan pulled on clean boxers and sweats, and exited the bathroom into the hallway, then the kitchen. There were two full bathrooms in the main house of the Barns, but the downstairs one had a bigger shower. Ronan remembered that as a kid, he preferred that shower as well, even though the upstairs one was closer to his room.

In the kitchen, he got a spoonful of peanut butter and chased it with a swig of milk; all he thought he could swallow at this point in time. Outside, the sun was finally set and the moon glimmered, hopeful and full. He had left Orphan Girl at Blue's house, and somehow wasn't all that worried about it. She probably needed the influence of strong women in her life anyway.

He trudged upstairs and found Adam fast asleep in Ronan's bed- well, his old bed. It wasn't very big, a tight twin. When Ronan slept here he rotated between out in the barn and on the couch downstairs. He hadn't slept here, maybe because of memories. This was the place where he dreamed Matthew, where he woke up and wandered outside to find his fathers body.

It surely wasn't a bad place, just not one he had thought much of until he kissed Adam here. And now Adam was here, pressed against the wall. His brow was furrowed in his sleep, he was curled up into the fetal position and wrapping his arms safely around himself. His one good ear was pressed into the pillow, so Ronan didn't worry much about making too much noise and waking him.

Ronan could have left him here, retreated downstairs to the couch. He was incredibly tired, and now that he felt the darkness no longer clawing at his dreams, he knew he could rest. But something drew him to the small bed instead, barely big enough for the two teenage boys.

He laid down next to Adam. Moonlight poured through the open window and illuminated the boys pale skin and dark bags beneath his eyes, soft brown hair oily with sweat from the day. His face inches away, Ronan briefly flashed back to Adams terrified eyes as he tried to choke Ronan to death.

Something else glimmered. Vaguely fresh trails down Adams cheek from tears.

Ronan reached out to wipe at them, damp and sad. Adams eyes flickered open, like he hadn't been sleeping, merely faking it. But Ronan knew that wasn't the case. They looked at each other for a long time, neither one wavering in their gaze. Ronan was good at this, but it was hard when Adam looked at him and his heart slammed in his chest, to not look away.

“Are you okay?” Ronan finally asked, the first question that required speaking from Adam since Ganseys heart had re-started several hours ago.

Adams face contorted like he had absolutely no way to answer that question. Ronan kept his gaze, intent on getting a reply no matter what.

“Cabeswater,” Adam replied simple. When Ronan looked confused, Adam continued, “It's gone.”

“No shit.”

“No,” Adam sighed and uncurled from his fetal position, turning onto his back so he could stare up at the ceiling. Ronan just looked at the side of his face, “You don't understand, when it died it felt like I got punched in the stomach a thousand times. I feel so fucking... empty.”

Right, the sacrifice. Ronan wasn't sure why he didn't immediately put it together. They were all connected to Cabeswater, but Adam was literally connected to Cabeswater, more than anyone else. It made sense that its absence affected him so completely. Ronan wanted to tell Adam that if it would make him feel better, he would dream him up a new, better Cabeswater.

But Ronan didn't say that, because Ronan didn't lie.

Instead Ronan sat up and rested his head on his hand, looking down at Adams face. Adam looked at him, and then his eyes wandered down the scrapes on Ronans face, down to the blackening and finger-shaped marks on Ronans neck. Adam visibly cringed and looked away, squeezing his eyes shut. New tears dripped hopelessly down his face.

“Adam, it's not your fault.” Ronan said, reaching down to wipe the tears away again. This time, Adam snatched his hand before it could reach his face.

“No, fuck, no,” Adam cursed and sobbed, “Don't touch me. Fuck.” He threw Ronans hand back and Ronan couldn't deny the hurt welling up in his chest. He sat up and looked at the boy, now curling back into the fetal position, this time facing away from him.

“Adam?”

“Just go, please,” Adam sniffed and cried, “Don't come near me. I can never touch you again.”

Ronan watched him shake for a minute, gauging how serious this decree was. On top of everything else, the sentence felt like a small new death. After it became obvious Adam wasn't going to look at him again, Ronan stood up and left the room.

–

Downstairs, after Ronan had set up the couch into a little bed, he fumbled with his phone. He wanted to call Blue, but thought against it. He scrolled back through his contacts to a recently called number, that wasn't listed but he knew was Maura, and called it instead.

It only rang once.

“Hello?” She said calmly and quietly.

“Maura,” he said, “It's Ronan.”

“Hi, hello.” She said, sweetness seeping into her voice. Her sound, disembodied and faceless, made him think longingly of his own mother. Caring and loving, no strings attached.

“How is Gansey?”

“They say he's in a coma,” her voice was surreal quiet, and he realized he could hear noises in the background. She was driving, “But he'll probably wake up soon. Physically, there's nothing wrong with him. His heart just stopped.”

Just stopped. Like that was normal.

“Blue?” He asked next.

“She's good, very tired. She's asleep right now, in the back of the car. It took all I had in me to convince her to leave his side, but I could tell that Gansey's parents needed to be alone with their child. That's a grief that can't be spoken.”

Ronan knew it to be true. He remembered how they had missed the fundraiser, he vaguely remembered the look on Ganseys face as they re-played voicemail and text from his disappointed sister and parents. Ronan was suddenly so glad that wasn't the last thing they had got to say to Gansey before he died.

“Is Mr. Gray there?” Ronan asked. Maura hummed a yes, “Can you put him on.”

There was a fumbling of the phone from person to person, and then “Ronan.”

“Mr. Gray,” Ronan said, vaguely uncomfortable. He had managed to go a long time without talking to this guy. Part of him would never be able to shake that he had killed Niall Lynch, even if it was under someone else's orders. Ronan tried to just tell himself that Niall would have been killed by someone, eventually. “I wanted to thank you.”

“For?”

“Whatever you did,” Ronan waved his hand dismissively, even though no one was there to see him do it, “Declan says no one wants anything to do with the magic here in Henrietta anymore.”

Mr. Gray laughed deep and rough, “I'm afraid I didn't do much. Once you see a demon, I think it makes you re-think your life choices to pursue this kind of dark magic. I don't want you to think that it's over now, because I fear the word is still out there and one day people will no longer be afraid to come here.”

“I'll cross that bridge when it comes.”

“Good,” he was quiet for a minute, “You won't have to face it alone.”

Ronan heard the phone being passed back to Maura so he waited patiently. Finally, her voice, soft and concerned;

“How is Adam?”

Ronan bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling, like somehow he would be able to see through it and into the upper level.

“He's really bad, honestly.” He kinda thought there was no point in lying to Maura.

“Understandable. His magic has been taken from him,” She sighed, “I don't know what that feels like, but I sympathize. Being psychic is more harm than good, most of the time. But still, if I lost it suddenly...” She trailed off.

Maybe it was Maura's kind aura, her sympathy, her understanding. Or maybe it was the fact that right now, Ronan needed a mother more than he ever had in his entire life. But he found himself speaking honestly before he could even stop himself.

“I'm afraid he's too broken to love me now.” He said.

“Oh, darling,” She cooed gently, “He probably thinks he's too broken for you to love him, too. Give him some time.”

He sighed and leaned against the couch.

“Got to go, we are approaching home,” She said quietly. He could hear them driving on gravel through the phone line, “Blue will call you if we get an update on Gansey. And don't worry about Opal, she is good to stay here. Take as much time as you need.”

Ronan raised a brow, “Opal?”

“Oh, we asked her what she'd rather be called. Orphan Girl isn't much of a name.”


	2. War of Hearts

'As much time as you need' ended up being two full days.

That first night, Ronan didn't dream at all. It was incredible. He couldn't even remember the last time he had a dreamless full 8 hours of sleep. He was so tired, his power perhaps so exhausted, that he just slept right through. He may have even snored.

When he woke up the next day, the Hondoyota was gone from the driveway, and with it, Adam. He must have snuck right by Ronans passed out form and not waken him in order to have left. Ronan tried not to be hurt by this. Life went on without Cabeswater or Glendower. Adam still had... God knows how many part-time jobs, and schoolwork on top of it all. Ronan was vaguely aware, despite his absence, that finals were coming up soon before school let out for winter break.

It was a Sunday, but Ronan skipped church, mostly because he knew Declan and Matthew wouldn't make the drive. He mentally promised to go the following week, when the wounds from this week were no longer fresh.

With his phone volume all the way up in case Blue called about Gansey, and Chainsaw perched on whatever piece of furniture was the highest up, Ronan cleaned the entire house.

He didn't know what the future would hold, but he was suddenly acutely sure that it was here at the Barns. Even when Gansey woke up, Ronan didn't want to be at Monmouth anymore, haunted by the memories of Noah, or Glendower, or the past god-forsaken year.

He wanted to spend his spare minutes here. Home.

Maybe he would ask Gansey to move in.

He had four empty bedrooms and he was slightly aware, through speculation and not through Gansey teling him, that the deed to Monmouth Manufacturing had traded hands, and after graduation they couldn't live there anyway.

This new thought cheered Ronan up. He cleaned aggressively, and felt like he was pushing out old energies to make room for the future.

Declans old room was mostly empty. Before he had gone off to college, he had come to clean out his old ghosts already. Ronan put the rest of the knicknacks into the attic storage, and gazed at the rest. A twin bed, a desk, and a dresser. He imagined Opal living here, decorating it in whatever the fuck she liked as an eight year old Satyr girl. He would be okay with that.

He cleaned out Matthews room too, which had even fewer things left here than Declans after they had packed up everything Matthew would need for DC in the days before. He didn't know what he would do for this room. Maybe one day Adam would move in here, pay Ronan whatever measly rent number he could come up with. But part of Ronan hoped that if Adam moved in, they would share a room. And another distant and bitter part of him knew that the next fall, Adam would be far off at college and distinctly not here.

His heart ached. He moved on.

He hesitated at the end of the hall, in front of his parents master bedroom. Despite many trips to the Barns, he had not been in here at all. Not since before his father died. He steeled himself and entered.

It was familiar, and sad, and surprisingly empty.

He packed clothing into boxes, stopping to smell beautiful sun dresses that he vaguely remembered Aurora wearing, out in the garden some spring day in his childhood. They smelled like lavender, and clove. He put aside a leather jacket that was his fathers, promising silently to start wearing it, and a nice vest for Declan, and a soft sweater for Matthew. He wanted his brothers to have these reminders as much as he did.

There was a bookshelf only half-full of books, that Ronan moved box by box downstairs into the living room bookshelf, and a work desk full of intimidating looking files. When Ronan looked inside them, they were empty. Another facade by Niall Lynch to trick his kids into thinking he had a real job. He packed them away, and the facade with them.

Lastly, on the bedstand, there was an old lamp that plugged into nothing but somehow worked, and a framed photo of Niall and Aurora at their wedding. This struck Ronan as odd. Surely his parents had been married. But the ceremony, the ritual, of having a wedding with someone you dreamed into existence...

He put it aside, somehow knowing that Matthew would want it.

He left the large room, newly clean and free of ghosts. He pictured Gansey moving in there, decorating the walls with all his articles and historic photos. Filling the bookshelf with all his important texts. Using the workdesk to chart out his next big adventure.

He moved on to his own bedroom. He wasn't going to do much, just dust some of the old shit perhaps. He wasn't expecting the mess he walked into.

Tarot cards, strewn all over the room.

He stood for a moment, a bit shocked. Slowly he composed a story of Adam trying to read them, frustrated with the lack of power from Cabeswater, tossing them angrily and leaving the house. He was sad, but also a bit irritated that he had trashed the room. He picked them up neatly, putting them gently into the velvet pouch that Persephone had given Adam, and set them on the table. He dusted and vacuumed the room before returning downstairs.

By the time he had finished, it was nearly dinner. No new messages or missed calls on his phone, he frowned deeply. He thought about all the things he needed to do tomorrow, as he ate his dinner quietly. Then decided to go to bed early.

–

The second night, he dreamed a memory.

He had dreamt memories before, but usually they segued into horrific nightmares of the magical variety.

This was just a memory. Not a particularly good or bad one.

Ronan didn't remember when he realized he had a preference for men. In reality, he probably never realized it. He just was. He hated the word, hated the taboo. His parents had always taught him to just be true to love and let it be true to you. The who, or what they had in their pants, didn't really matter much.

And Ronan for a long time didn't fall in love. Instead he fell headfirst into trouble.

He remembered the first time he saw Kavinsky, across the hallway of a school day. The first time he raced Kavinsky, a stolen winter night on the streets past 2 am. The first time he met Kavinsky, in an alleyway while he was piss drunk. The first time Kavinsky trailed cigarette burned lips down Ronans tattoo.

It wasn't love, but it felt like something. And Ronan, who felt like nothing most of the time back then, needed that. Needed to fuck and be fucked roughly, needed to drink booze and smash bottles, race cars and lose sight of himself.

It was a behavior of lashing out, that crashed and burned when Kavinsky did.

And Ronan didn't realize when he started liking Adam, but he remembered the first time he knew he needed him. Standing over a copy of Ronans body, Ronan feeling nothing at all. But Adam, looking at the broken and bloody form, was heartbroken. Someone was heartbroken for Ronan. No, Adam was heartbroken for Ronan. And Ronan never wanted to see him look like that again.

Of course, life's not that simple.

So that night Ronan dreamt of Kavinsky, long since dead and just as tragic as he was. A cautionary tale. Ronan didn't love Kavinsky.

But maybe Ronan could love Adam.

–

The next day Ronan got up and got dressed in his usual attire, and then pulled on his fathers leather jacket. He drove to school, marched up to the front office, and quit.

Now that Gansey was in a coma, things seemed simple. Ronan would have to break the news to him, but he didn't need to do it now.

He received a lot of apologetic looks in the hallways as he left. Clearly word has spread about Gansey, which might have annoyed Ronan if he had ever given two fucks about his fellow students at Aglionby. Instead, he crawled back into the BMW at 9 am and went into town to eat breakfast at Nino's alone, and then headed to 300 Fox Way.

Maura answered the door and let him in.

For the first time in all the times he had been there, the old house felt empty. As if she read his mind, Maura spoke up; “It's just me and Calla here currently. Maybe Jimi and Orla will come back someday, but I think they are tired of all the danger in Henrietta. Understandably.”

Ronan was glad Orla was gone. It was rare that someone stared lustfully at him so much that he felt uncomfortable.

“Gwenllian?” He asked.

“Disappeared the night Cabeswater did,” She led him into the kitchen, where tea was already waiting for him. Fucking psychics. “Artemus did too. It's for the best. Maybe they'll be back some day too.”

She sounded like she really doubted it.

“Is Blue at school?”

“No, I called in sick for her. She's at the hospital with Gansey.”

Of course.

“Opal is in the yard. She's a bit promiscuous. She dug up our herb garden this morning, not that there was much there at this time of year. But still.”

“I cleared a room for her,” He sniffed the tea but he knew he wasn't going to drink it, “At The Barns, so she has a place for herself.”

“A good idea,” Maura said, “I probably have some of Blue's old clothes still, in storage. Maybe Opal can have them. I will try to find them.”

Ronan grunted in response. He could imagine the type of clothing Blue wore as an eight year old. He made a proper amount of small talk before he herded Opal in from the yard and into the BMW, making the long trek back to the Barns once again.

–

Just as he pulled into the dirt driveway of the Barns, Blue's name lit up his phone. She was calling him.

“Hello?” He barely let it ring once.

“Hey, Ronan,” she sounded tired but better than before. He couldn't get over how much emotion she managed to show just through voice inflection, “Gansey is awake.”

Ronan relaxed before he even realized he had been tensing all his muscles.

“Thank God.”

“The hospital is keeping him here for a few more hours. He's really... out of it. He's having a hard time remembering what happened this last week. It's coming back to him, but really slowly.”

“Not uncommon for people coming out of a coma.”

“Yeah, that's what the doctors say,” She said it like she didn't really believe that was the reason. Ronan didn't either. “But listen. His parents want to take him with them back to DC. Is there any way you can talk to them...? I barely know them.”

“Yeah, I'll speak to Helen.”

There was a heavy kind of silence before Blue spoke again. “I don't... I don't want him to go back to Monmouth.”

Ronan pictured it. Gansey, without Glendower. Gansey, stripped of his life and his quest. Returned to a place that was literally covered in all of those things, blatant reminders of the loss that now faced him.

“He can come back to the Barns.” Ronan said. He had known it for more than a day now, but saying it out loud still made it feel real.

“Thank you.”

They hung up. Ronan wrestled Opal out of the seatbelt and she sprinted back into the house. He knelt against a wooden fence post and looked at the greying sky while he called Helen. Ronan wasn't very persuasive by nature, but he had the facts on his side. Fact: Gansey would need to return to normalcy, which included going back to Aglionby, which was here in Henrietta. Fact: Ronan had a big ass house and empty bedrooms. Fact: Ronan had all this free time now he had quit high school to watch Gansey if that was what his family needed. Helen agreed with him on all the facts, if not a bit begrudgingly. She quickly took down the address to the Barns, and prompted that she would have to speak to her parents first, but would likely bring Gansey there that evening after he was discharged from the hospital.

Ronan sighed as he hung up and looked up at the sky. It would definitely rain soon. Depressing weather for a depressing day.

He looked back at his phone. One more person to contact. He opened up his texts, a desolate and barren place where Ronan rarely sent, mostly received. He texted Adam.

Gansey's awake. Parents bringing him to the Barns after discharge. Can you go to Monmouth after school and bring him some shit to stay here a few days? Or do you work?

He waited. Almost immediately;

Can do that. Where are you.

Not even an answer to the work question, and at least Ronan could properly punctuate. Adams phone was a piece of shit. He rolled his eyes and started heading back to the car, punching a new text into his phone.

Not at school. I'm going to get the Pig towed back here.

–

By the time Ronan came back with the Pig, which had been towed and impounded from its abandoned place on the road, it was the afternoon. The tow truck pulling the orange car into the driveway to leave for the time being was a sad sight. As it pulled away and left down the street, Adams ugly three colored car appeared and pulled in behind the Pig.

Adam got out, still dressed in Aglionby uniform, his hair gently tousled, probably from driving with the windows down. He looked distractingly good, and Ronan couldn't be bothered to pretend he wasn't staring.

Adam avoided his eyes, walking straight to the Pig and opening up the hood of it. He rolled up his sleeves, another devastatingly hot move, and began inspecting it.

After a few minutes of tinkering, Ronan gave up the cool-guy facade and went to stand next to Adam, peering down into the engine.

“What's wrong with it?”

“I have no clue,” Adam sighed, “I'd have to really take a day and look at it, and I'd rather not mess up my uniform right now.”

“Hmmph.”

Adam shut the hood and looked at Ronan for the first time since pulling up. It was a quick glance at his eyes, then to his neck again, and a failed attempt at hiding his pain before he looked away.

“Will you help me get the bags?”

Ronan followed him to the car and they pulled out a suitcase and a duffle bag, along with Ganseys school bag. They carted them inside while Adam explained that he had just grabbed the basics, careful to leave behind anything that might remind Gansey of Glendower, that was for a different day, including the journal. Adam followed Ronan to the master bedroom, and looked around when the door was opened.

“You cleaned out your parents room?” He asked, setting the duffle bag on the bedspread and looking at the high ceilings and bright windows.

“Yeah,” Ronan dropped the suitcase on the floor and kicked it against the wall, “I cleaned out all the rooms.”

“Why?”

He shrugged, “Time to move on. Speaking of moving on, do you want your tarot cards back or what?”

Adam looked a bit shamed by that. Ronan looked away. It was hard to pretend he wasn't thinking hard about the other night, and about Adams intense rejection. Part of Ronan understood. There was a lot broken about both of them, and maybe this wasn't something that should happen right now. But damn, he wished Adam had made that choice before he kissed him and made it harder.

Ronan left and went to his room, picking up the tarot cards wrapped in their pouch. He found Adam in the hall and handed them to him. The two of them went downstairs and sat quietly at the table, Ronan pulling out his phone when it buzzed. A text from Blue.

Gansey will be there soon, they just discharged him. I have a shift at Nino's, can't come tonight.

Ronan didn't reply, just showed the text to Adam. Adam nodded and kept an eye out the window. The anticipation of Gansey's arrival was thick with relief and anxiety all at once.

“Blue said he's having a slow time remembering the events from the last week,” Ronan said, picking gently at the case on his phone, “So don't bombard him. Just let him get through it.”

Adam looked at Ronan. Ronan did his best to not meet his eyes.

“Did you quit school today?” He asked. Ronan stopped working his fingers over his phone case. Damn Adam Parrish, and his ability to read Ronan without even trying.

“Yes,” he said, since there was no point in lying, “That's part of why I offered to house Gansey here while he recovers. Not like I don't have the time now.”

Ronan expected a fight from Adam but he didn't get one. Adam just continued looking out the window. Ronan felt more agitated and nervous at this reaction. If Ronan could count on anything, it was for Adam Parrish to fight him, especially about shit like school. Adam wasn't himself if he wasn't being a self-righteous dick.

“Man, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Ronan snapped. Adams eyes flickered to him angrily.

“What?” He spat back.

“You're not gonna give me some lecture on quitting school?” Ronan growled and stood up, “Really? You might as well just leave, Parrish, if you're not gonna act like your damn self.”

Adam stood up too, rage in his face, “I can't make your life choices for you, Ronan. I'm glad you quit school, now Gansey doesn't have to waste all of his resources crowd-funding your education.”

Ronan rounded in for a fight, but he wanted to smirk. This was the Adam he was used to, the one he'd been looking for for days now.

“I didn't ask Gansey to do shit for me, okay? I was perfectly happy to flunk out in peace.”

“I'm sure you were,” Adam scoffed harshly, “Too bad you couldn't have just said that instead of letting Gansey bribe away Monmouth for you.”

This struck Ronan and he dropped his arms, frowning. Adams face immediately fell as he realized what he had said. They stared at each other for a long moment.

“He did?” Ronan asked in disbelief.

Adam stood up straight and nodded, “He believed in you.”

“He's a dumbass.”

Adam laughed, a sharp breath of air, but it was the first laugh Ronan had seen since Cabeswater died, “Yeah, he is.”

There was a knock on the door. They glanced outside. In their fighting, they had missed Gansey's parents subaru pull into the driveway. They rushed to the door, trying to hide their anticipation and failing. They flew open the door and stared at Gansey, standing before them. He was sober and tired looking, no sign of his perfect-rich-boy Dick Gansey mask in sight. He blinked at them.

“You two have been fighting.” He said, simply.

Ronan laughed loudly, making Adam jump and stare at him. He stared back.

“Yeah. Thank God.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a song by Ruelle.  
> I got the privilege of going to a conference (hence; the late chapter) and sitting in on a case study of a strangulation this week. I feel the need to tell you that Ronans neck bruises are a heavily dramatized example of strangle marks on my part. Woops. But you get the point.  
> Also; casually hinting here that Ronan is a switch and you can deal with it.


	3. Meet Me In The Woods

Ronan led Gansey into the kitchen, who could only articulate that he was hungry, while Adam spoke to Ganseys parents.

All the Gansey's had a keen ability to always look cool, calm, and collected in even the most stressful of scenarios. But that wall just didn't seem to exist today. Ganseys dad looked forlorn, Helen looked exhausted, and Ms. Gansey had a look of pure worry. A mothers look.

After they assured them that they wouldn't let Gansey wander off, his parents quickly said their goodbyes and took off. Ronan deep down wondered how this two days off would look on a congressional campaign, and if Ganseys untimely and suspicious hospitalization would cost her the election. He got the vibe that it didn't matter though. Nothing mattered, because Gansey was awake.

They joined him in the kitchen, where he was shoving crackers into his mouth straight from the box. For a minute they just watched him, unsure how to handle him. Unsure of the mood he was in. Unsure exactly what he remembered. Finally he stopped eating crackers and watched them, chewing quietly, before he finally spoke.

“Before you ask, I remember most of it,” he said, rubbing the bridge his nose between his closed eyes, “All the big events. Finding Glendowers tomb, Adam losing control of his hands, the pollution of the ley line. It's just the in-between parts I'm having a hard time... piecing together.”

“Do you remember dying?” Adam asked before Ronan could even open his mouth. He shot him a dark look. It probably could have been worded better.

“I remember kissing Blue, and then waking up in the hospital,” Gansey sighed. “I think there is something else there that I should remember, but I can't seem to find it.

Adam nodded and turned to sit at the table. Gansey followed suit, starting to stuff his face with crackers again.

“Do you want real food?” Ronan asked gruffly. Gansey looked a bit hesitant, so Ronan pulled out his phone and dialed the only number he had memorized for the most part, and ordered a pizza. He had wandered out of the room when he did so, and when he returned to the kitchen he heard them talking in low voices. He stopped outside the door and eavesdropped against his better judgment.

“It's like being hungover,” Gansey was saying, “It's a bit hard to find my balance, a bit hard to piece things together, a bit hard to focus. It's like my brain isn't working at one hundred percent yet.”

“I feel like I lost a sense entirely,” Adam was saying, “It was like losing my hearing in my ear, but worse. I'm not connected to anything anymore. I don't know how to continue. I don't think Ronan really... gets it.”

Ronan tensed.

“I understand,” Gansey said, “But don't count Ronan out. He understands loss.”

“Understanding and coping are two very different monsters,” Adam said, “I don't think he understands what I have to do to make this okay again. I have to try to go back to normal but it's... It will never be normal. I don't know if I'll ever feel safe again. Every time I look at him I flash back to seeing him dying, seeing my own hands killing him.”

It was quiet while Gansey gathered his thoughts, “Have you told him this?”

“No,” Adam had tears in his voice, “And it's hard as hell, because I know he shouldn't come near me. I'm like pointy glass shards. It's for his benefit. But I can't help knowing that I need him here while I... while I heal.”

Ronan couldn't take it anymore. He walked out into the kitchen, at which point they stopped talking and straightened up, right past them to the front door.

“I ordered a pizza,” he said, trying to level out his voice and not look at them to trigger a bad emotion, “I'm gonna go herd Opal into the house before she scares off a pizza man with her hooves.”

He slammed the front door a bit harder than he meant to.

He approached one of the old wooden fences and stared out into the nearest field. He saw a familiar group of deer gathered there, and Opal among them, gently petting the head of the white buck that Ronan had dreamed. Her hat was gone, and her blonde hair poked out in every which direction. She looked like a feral child, and Ronan was suddenly very aware that he had to raise this little person now. He looked inward. He couldn't even take care of himself most of the time, let alone another person. He wasn't even sure he could be a decent boyfriend.

Boyfriend. He audibly gagged. He really hated labels.

He yelled at Opal in latin, telling her to get into the house. His yelling spooked the deer, and they ran away towards the forest. Opal cursed at him and started trudging towards the back door angrily. It was a moderately hilarious sight.

He heard the front door close gently. He didn't have to look up to see who it was. After a few moments Adam leaned next to him and looked over the field. Once again, they watched the deer.

“I'm heading out,” Adam said. “I have to work at the trailers for a few hours tonight.”

“I asked earlier if you had to work.”

Adam shrugged, “It wasn't until 5. Not like I couldn't bring the stuff you asked for.”

“You need to learn to text better on that piece of shit phone.” Ronan grunted. Adam laughed.

“I don't think you can lecture me about using a phone.”

“I can,” Ronan turned and caught his eyes, smirking, “I'm good at it now. They might even call me a professional.”

Adam snorted out a laugh but held Ronans look. For a second they just stood like that. Then, once again, Adams eyes trailed over Ronans throat. He felt a spark of irritation in him. These damn bruises were ruining everything.

“I'm sorry,” Adam said, not taking his eyes off the marks. To Ronans surprise, he lifted up a hand and trailed a finger over the marks. To Ronans even bigger surprise, he flinched at the touch.

Fuck.

Adam dropped his hand immediately and looked away.

“It's not your fault, Adam.” Ronan started, moving a step closer. Adam took a step back.

“It is,” once again, tears were clinging to his cheeks and his voice, “I fucked this up. I fucked us up. I knew what was happening, I should have been more careful. We can't start a relationship like this, like two people dealing with the trauma of this kind of violence.”

“Fuck that,” Ronan said darkly, “I've been in a less healthy relationship.”

This was so obviously the wrong thing to say, and yet Ronan couldn't help it when it slipped out of his mouth. He wanted to take it back immediately.

“Me too, Ronan,” Adam snapped, “With my dad. And as you can imagine, I'm not willing to perpetuate this kind of fear in another person.”

“I'm not afraid of you.” Ronan said, but it felt like a feeble way to backtrack.

“Fuck off,” Adam said, but he didn't really mean it. He walked away and to the car. Ronan watched helplessly as he drove off and wished he wasn't such a reactionary moron.

–

Gansey had showered and at least started unpacking when the pizza finally arrived. They settled into the living room to eat and watch Jurassic Park, a ritual that they used to do whenever they could, in this very living room, right up until Niall was found dead in the driveway.

They sat quietly. One thing that Ronan appreciated about Gansey was that he really, truly, knew him. He knew when he didn't want to talk, which was most of the time, but he knew when to press an issue and when to drop one. And maybe it was as deep as that.

But Gansey, with his head still not fully intact, was kind of acting a bit loose and out-of-it. It was Ronans favorite version of Gansey, that he had only seen on rare occasions that Gansey would participate in a little weed smoking. But his careless laugh and ability to make dumb dinosaur jokes cured Ronan of his sour mood after not too long.

“We should really get Blue in on this before your brain starts functioning again,” Ronan said, “Somehow I bet she would like this version of you.”

A look flashed over Ganseys face that Ronan could only describe as shock, “Oh, please don't.”

Ronan laughed.

They watched the rest of the movie and then decided to retire to their separate rooms. At the landing of the stairs, Ronan hesitated.

“You're okay with all this?” He gestured around the house, “Being here. Not at Monmouth.”

Gansey nodded, “I think you guys were right, I need to battle those demons when I am in the right headspace to do so. Are YOU okay with it?”

Ronan also nodded, slowly, “This is my home. The farther I try to get from it the more it calls me back.”

Gansey looked at him. It was a look that said so much. Like I'm so happy for you and I'm so glad I can share this with you. But it also said please don't push Adam away, I want him to share this with us too.

“I won't push it,” Ronan answered out loud, “If Adam doesn't want to do this, I won't make him. I'm not in the business of forcing people to care about me.”

He really wasn't, that was for sure.

“I'm a man of informed consent as much as anyone is,” Gansey said, riffling though his pockets for his phone, “But some things are worth fighting for. And some people just want to feel like you fought for them. Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna call Blue before she goes to bed.”

Ronan returned to his own room and flopped down on the bed. It smelled vaguely of Adam. Ronan squeezed his eyes shut and imagined all the shit he wanted to say. Gansey was right, of course, but Ronan couldn't remember the last time he fought for something. His life had been a long journey of things just... happening. And Ronan couldn't fight them, he could just try to cope with them. He couldn't fight his fathers death, he couldn't fight getting kicked out of the Barns. He couldn't fight for Aurora, he couldn't fight against his powers, he couldn't fight to keep Matthew safe from Kavinsky. In the end, Kavinsky let him have exactly what he had chosen for them.

Ronan scoffed out loud. The last thing he fought was with Declan, constantly. And Adams piece of shit dad.

That felt like a long time ago now. Because it was, over six months. He closed his eyes and found himself in that moment again.

He remembered his stomach in knots taking Adam home. He remembered how badly he wanted to just drive past, fight Adam about it if he had to. He didn't want Adam to go home.

The feeling in his heart when he saw Adam get hit, was indescribable. That same rage was in his chest now, threatening to burst out. He had just reacted. He didn't remember getting out of the car, or crossing the yard. He barely remembered his own landing blows, or the cops pulling him off Robert Parrish.

He remembered the hospital. He hated the hospital. He remembered Ganseys face when they found out that Adam had lost hearing in his ear.

It was the a feeling similar to finding his dads body, or his mothers. Worse than Adam's possessed hands around his throat, worse than desperately looking for Matthew in the back seats of white mitsubishis.

It was feeling helpless. Like he could have done nothing.

But he tried.

And maybe if Ronan hadn't come, Adam would have been hurt worse. Maybe he would have never left that God forsake house. Ronan had fought, in that moment, for Adam. So Adam could be safe.

So what was stopping him now?

He pulled out his cell-phone, quietly commenting that this really was the most he had used it in the past year he'd had it. He struggled between calling and texting Adam, before realizing he was still at work. And since his mouth seemed to betray him, maybe it was a good idea to type out his thought process before he sent it.

I want to fight for this. I know it's hard. I know you don't feel safe. But I know you would never hurt me. I know you would rather die than hurt me. Because I would rather die than hurt you. Which is why I didn't fight back when that thing was trying to strangle me. I give a shit about you, and I don't really know how to. I pretty rarely give a shit about anything. But I don't want to give up just because this happened to us. If it takes a long time, or a lifetime, until you let me touch you again, that is fine. I'll wait for you. Just give me a sign that you want that. I will fight for you, Parrish, if you will fight for me too. If not, just let me know, and I'll fuck off forever.

He read it and re-read it before finally hitting send. His pride hurt a bit, to be this vulnerable. But if it meant he could kiss Adam again, push Adam around in a grocery cart again, dream with Adam again, it was worth looking like an idiot for a second.

He told himself that Adam was still at work. That he couldn't reply right away. He still kept his phone on loud before setting it on the bedside table. He laid anxiously in bed for another two hours, waiting for a text alert that never came, before he fell asleep.

–

The next day around noon found Ronan out in the barn, fidgeting with the things he had dreamed to try to re-produce a Cabeswater effect and wake up the cows. He was starting to think it would be easier to kill these cows for dream-meat and start over dreaming up his own farm animals.

Assuming he could. He still hadn't had a dream that he felt he could Greywaren items out of. The night before was restless while he waited for a text back from Adam, but in its more restful moments, he just dreamt about his father.

He checked his phone impulsively. Still no reply.

Gansey appeared in the barn door, covered in dirt and oil and frowning.

“So?” Ronan asked, stroking the face of a sleeping cow. Gansey had been fidgeting with the Pigs engine all morning and then finally called a real mechanic when he couldn't figure it out.

“It's dead!” Gansey cringed, “For real this time. This is the worst loss so far.”

“Gansey you literally died,” Ronan grumbled, “And this is the worst loss?”

“This is the worst loss.”

Ronan laughed, putting away his dream-things in their bag and leaving them on the floor of the barn. He followed Gansey outside, where it was finally sunny, but deceivingly windy. Opal was on the edges of the fields, picking wildflowers that she could hang on her new bedroom walls. It felt to Ronan like an allergy attack waiting to happen, but he didn't tell her that.

While Gansey paid the mechanic and moped around his damn car, Ronan considered him. He hadn't told his best friend about quitting school, but he think he knew. Gansey always picked up on shit like that. And Gansey, always antsy, had expressed the desire to go back to school tomorrow, his health be damned. Ronan didn't agree to go with him.

Gansey approached, wiping his dirty hands on a dirtier cloth.

“Have you thought about what we do now?”

Ronan stared at him, “Now?”

“Now it's over. Now we aren't looking for Glendower.”

Ronan had never been looking for Glendower. Ronan had been a dreamer, and been looking to please Gansey no matter what.

“Maybe we live our damn lives like normal,” Ronan scoffed, “Maybe we fix up houses, and get married, and act fucking normal.”

“Is that what you want?” Gansey looked shocked.

No. Of course not.

“I want to not see anyone die ever again.” He said, because it was the truth. And Ronan didn't lie.

“It's just a thought,” Gansey said, staring out over the trees of the Henrietta forests, “I want to focus on school. But when school is over... It's not like there aren't hundreds of ley lines, thousands of legends just like Glendower. And if this one had even an inkling of truth, who's to say they all aren't real?”

Because Ronan knew that this was Gansey, coping with loss. Gansey, trying to move on, he just said;

“Maybe.”

They sat in silence for a long moment while Gansey checked his phone.

“Adam says he's gonna bring me my homework after school,” Gansey said. Ronan felt a sharp jab at his heart that Adam was texting Gansey, but couldn't be fucked to reply to him. “And Blue will try to come as well, but I guess Calla has stolen their car for some reason so it might be hard for her to get to the Barns-”

“I'll pick her up,” Ronan said simply.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Ronan didn't say what he was thinking, which was that he didn't want to be here when Adam got here. He gathered up his jacket and headed back inside until the time came.

–

Ronan had gone a long time without acknowledging that Henrietta had another high school. Mostly because a lot of those kids were kids he had only ever seen on the drag strip, high on some kind of drug facilitated by Kavinsky and Prokopenko. He kind of wanted to pretend they didn't still exist.

And sure enough, parked on the street in his shimmering BMW when Blue's school got out, he recognized a lot of faces and cringed internally.

She looked pissed off when she saw his car, but got into it anyway. He had a feeling that looking mad was mostly about showing her classmates that she hated this kind of display of rich nonsense. But none of them were her friends, so he didn't see how it mattered that much.

“How's Gansey?” She buckled into the passengers seat tentatively, and he realized that she had never sat there before.

“Fine. The Pigs dead and that is much worse than his own death, apparently.”

Blue snorted a laugh and they started to drive off, kids nearby looking jealously at the sleek black car. Ronan and Blue were a lot alike, though they came from vastly different backgrounds. She was perhaps just less self-destructive than he was, but they seemed to share the same opinions on things, especially Gansey things.

They could also sit pretty comfortably in silence. So they did. He was grateful for her, she was just like Gansey. She knew when to be quiet and when to speak up. They were a good couple, he thought begrudgingly.

They drove back to the Barns, a bit slower than Ronan was used to. He realized he was really dreading seeing Adam. It hadn't been easy to pour his heart out, but it had been even harder to not receive a reply. So when he pulled up and saw Adams triple colored car, he gestured to Blue.

“Go on inside. I have some stuff to do in the barn.”

This was perhaps a bold faced lie. There was nothing to do in the barns or fields except stare at sleeping cows and grass that really needed to be cut. But Blue nodded and headed into the house, and Ronan walked perhaps too-quickly through the fence gate and out to the barn where the cows were sleeping. He went to the section that he had parted off so he could sleep and dream, a bunch of mats and pillows strewn on the floor and posters on the wall. He instantly felt weird being there.

He walked to a nearby cardboard box that was full of opened and different bottles of booze in various states of empty or full. He picked up a mostly empty bottle of Jaeger. The last time he had drank this, he had dreamed up the dream-thing that came the closest to waking up the cows. The one that had woken up the bones in Cabeswaters cave.

He held it up and threw it violently against the wall shattering it. A thrill instantly went through him. He wanted to clear his brain of all these bad things, these emotions, these issues that arose in him since before he was born. Since before he knew about the dreams and the ley line and the magic.

He picked up a bottle of vodka. He pictured his fathered corpse, blood splattered all over the driveway and his mind. This bottle shattered even better.

His mother, beautiful smile and long flowing hair, touching her beloved sons. His mother, so brutalized and disemboweled that he only noticed her long flowing hair, tainted by all the blood. This time a bottle of rum, mostly full, shattered. The air smelled bitterly like alcohol and cows.

Gansey, dead in the grass while blood flowed over empty streets. A bottle of gin.

Adam, with his father hitting him in Ronans head over and over and over again. Two bottles of red wine that coated the walls, red alcoholic blood-like stains.

This god damn legacy of his, this Greywaren crown of thorns that he never asked for. The fact he had to drive away Declan in rage, and Matthew to protect him. He saw his parents, never properly buried and never properly remembered. He saw Adams broken face as he turned away. Saw Blue crying over Ganseys corpse. Felt himself being unmade. He saw Kavinskys car exploding, over and over. He saw Glendowers useless skeleton, never alive in the first god damn place. He threw glass bottle after glass bottle, shattering loudly and sharply and air that smelled so badly he could faint.

He didn't realize he was crying until he felt Adams hand on his wrist. It startled him, and he dropped whatever he had been holding. It shattered on the floor.

Adams face was shocked and sympathetic. Ronan could barely see him through blurred vision. He pulled his hands away and covered his face, wiping away all the wetness. Adam didn't say anything, he just pulled Ronan into his arms. And like a child, as soon as he felt held and safe, Ronan began to cry like a baby.

He didn't realize how much he had been holding it together for everyone else's sake.

He cried and cried. Eventually, he wasn't sure when, Adam had led him over to the fluffy mat and they sat down. And Ronan kept crying. There were points that he thought he felt Adam crying as well. Eventually the tears stopped, though it felt like an eternity. When it became clear that it was over, he pulled away and tried not to make eye contact. His pride was welling up again, and it was embarrassing.

Adams hands were on his face, guiding him to force eye contact. So Ronan begrudgingly went. They looked at each other, and Ronan was aware that his heart was beating rather quickly. Adam leaned forward and kissed him.

This was different than the others. It was soft, and it communicated a certain safety that Ronan hadn't felt until that moment. When they pulled back, they stayed with their foreheads pressed together, breathing deeply each others breath.

“I want to fight,” Adam whispered, “For this, I have always wanted to.”

Ronan opened his eyes and trailed his hands over Adams damp cheeks. He kissed him again. He was glad Adam told him that in person and not over text.

“Fuck, me too.”

Adam laughed and wiped at his own face, “Can we leave? It smells terrible in here.”

It really did, and Ronan nodded. They stood up together and crossed out of the room, careful not to step on all the shattered glass shards. They held hands as they walked across the field together, the wind biting at their heels.

“Do you think it's going to be okay?” Adam asked, squeezing his hand. Ronan looked up at the sky. He let go of Adams hand so that he could wrap an arm around his waist instead. He pictured what the coming years would hold. He imagined making a site for his parents graves, here in the fields. A memorial bench for Noah. He pictured Gansey and Adam graduating in the spring, Adam going off to college. He pictured Maura and Mr. Grays wedding, Blue and Gansey being in love. He pictured raising Opal like a normal child, in a normal home. He pictured Matthew and Declan eventually coming back. He pictured them all, some day going out into the world and finding another adventure.

“I think it's going to be great,” He said, because Ronan didn't lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thats all she wrote!
> 
> Thanks for sticking it out folks. I will write more in the future for sure.
> 
> Chapter Title is a Lord Huron song

**Author's Note:**

> There will probably be 3 chapters to this, not terribly long. Just wanted to contribute
> 
> Chapter title is a Brighton song.


End file.
